🔗 Share this article

The program for the John F. Kennedy Center in Washington highlights a fun bilingual performance and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Curiously missing from the public events is this week's global football draw, likely because it is a exclusively closed-door event. Organizers seem intent on avoid any uninvited attendees from gaining entry at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-aggrandizing ceremony where well-paid celebrities will doubtlessly echo the well-worn cliche that "football brings together the world."

A Star-Studded Hosting Team

The lavish event is scheduled to be hosted by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum alongside diminutive US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the star power will be gridiron legend Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming reporter. Collectively, they will preside over a ceremony that will certainly have British football fans of a certain age yearning for the simpler, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the old draw system and a reliable velvet bag of wooden, lottery balls.

Scheduled to last nearly three long hours, the show will include a lengthy playlist of speechifying, saccharine video montages, approved gags, famous faces, performances from artists with perhaps no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Ceremony Detail

Included in those helping to carrying out the draw? Basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Considering the vast, deep well of charisma possessed by these ageing sporting icons, barring an armed security team storming the ceremony, it's difficult to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

Actually, very little, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging offered by an overly deferential spokesperson is any kind of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for non-millionaires, the response was non-committal. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are aware of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every area, we could have that conversation about things," he added. The implication seemed to be that premium costs are acceptable when contrasted with other high-end goods.

The Football Business

With 42 countries already secured a place for next summer's jamboree and another six set to qualify, there will be a real air of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw gets under way. But as fans across the globe wait with bated breath to see which three teams their own country will play in the initial phase, the suspense pales in comparison to that which precedes the announcement of the winner of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "individuals who help unite people in peace through steadfast dedication and special deeds." Given that the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is mostly in the US, guesses about the winner are widespread, though the hints are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the owner today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a real transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a manager with a team in the midst of a five-game winless run, offering a textbook quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should a dismissal occur in the future.

Readers' Letters

• "Regarding the discussion of a potential club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to buy a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a political figure refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"